November 22, 2002 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

bigtips

Should I try to stop sleeping with married women?

by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone Dear Big Tipper,

I'm the one your momma warned you about, and I'm starting to feel ashamed of myself. I can not stay away from married

women.

I've been sleeping with women since I was in high school, and I always went out with girls my own age until college, when I fell in love with a professor. At that point, it seemed inconceivable that I could score with her, much less build any sort of relationship, because I was so much younger than she was (about fifteen years. Ididn't even think about the fact that she was married to a man.

Until we did have sex. And we continued to, and were together for two years until I broke up with her for another professor, who was also married.

By that time I felt confident in my ability to make the conquest, and it felt really hot to get a woman to tell me she loved me more

than her husband.

What if it's incredibly unappealing to be with someone who's focused on just me? What if I'm too old to change? Is what I'm doing really bad?

Dear Love and Marriage,

Wife Partner

Where the hell are you meeting all of these married women who want to go all lesbian for you? Your life is like some sort of early '80s Naiad novel.

Actually, I must correct myself. These women, if they're not leaving their husbands for you or for some subsequent gal-aren't going lesbian: they're straight women who are taking a protracted walk on the wild side. And that walk isn't always a bad thing, if it opens their eyes to important parts of themselves that have been stuffed own to their detriment.

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In neither of those relationships did they plan on leaving their husbands, although at times I feel like the thought crossed both of their minds.

After college I briefly dated an unmarried woman, but I felt claustrophobic because she was so focused on me, and after the initial thrill of getting her into bed, I just lost all interest in her. Within a month I was cheating on her with another married woman, and we broke up soon afterward.

Since then, I've been in a string of relationships with only married women. I don't cheat on them, but I always end up losing interest and breaking up with them. It becomes hard for me to respect them, because they're inevitably whining about their husbands, but not taking action.

Lately I've been feeling dissatisfied with myself. I just want some spiritual clarity and purpose, and as part of that, I want to be more of the sort of person who does the right thing. It doesn't feel bad most of the time that I'm sleeping with these women. I'm not the one who's cheating on somebody. It still seems a little muddy, though. I'm part of someone doing something that they often regret. They may not have cheated if not for

me.

It seems like the right thing for me not to be a part of that. But what if I never want someone as much as these forbidden ones?

Ethically, the bottom line is that we're all responsible for our own lives and our own behavior. You certainly can't force someone make an unethical choice,

and these women are adults with their own motivations and moral codes.

That said, our behavior includes that which impacts other people, and why would you want to be the one whispering in someone's ear to encourage her to do something that she'll deeply regret? You know if you're merely available, and these women come to you, or if you're trolling for married women because it gives you a thrill.

You should also keep in mind that it's unwise to flatter yourself that you're the only sentient player in these dramas. They're getting something out of these relationships, too. Maybe you're the wild oat they never sowed in high school. Maybe they want to humiliate their husbands, or they just want more sex than they're getting.

It's interesting to me that you say that you don't cheat, and you ultimately find your partners' cheating intolerable. But their fidelity and their relationship with you are mutually exclusive. So you always have a very neat way out of anything that wearies you, sexually or ethically. That's handy, but it's so jaded to start out a relationship with a "get out of jail" card clutched in your sweaty fist. Heading in with that complete lack of commitment matches perfectly with the inevitable failure of compatibility that you ultimately assign each of these "cheating"

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It seems like you're not convinced that you should change your behavior. If you are getting a level of love, comfort, challenge and safety out of your relationships that you feel satisfied with, and you don't feel guilty, you're probably not experiencing a level of motivation that will drive genuine change.

If you feel like you want something from a relationship that you can't get the way things are currently going, here are some strategies that might help you move into a different dating zone. You like the extra challenge of getting straight women into your bed and keeping them there? There are tons of single ones out there. And if you're so good with the ones who already have some sort of sex life, imagine the enthusiastic response you'll get from women who've been looking for a while!

If you can't take the unbroken gaze, hook up with someone nonmonogamous.

You're not compromising anyone else's integrity if everyone knows that there are more than two players involved from the

outset. You can also find someone who's very committed to her work or calling. She'll be occupied with something other than another relationship or you.

You should also consider the fact that your only experience having a relationship with an otherwise single gal was when you were both young.

There's no one more obsesso than someone who's young or just out. By the time a few years have rolled by, most people are just too busy to focus that burning gaze on you 24/7. We've got jobs, for God's sake. You may very well find that you can have a hot thing with your own personal unmarried lesbian these days, if she's got some gumption and you give her a fair shake. Who knows? Good luck, sweets.

Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland online at www.bigtipsonline.com, emartone a drizzle.com or fax t 631-1052

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